Rolling In The Deep (Malec)
by GatTheCat
Summary: Just a very long story I've been writing about Malec feels. It takes place after City of Lost Souls and may not be completely accurate (though I think it is). rated M for some sexual content and some use of language.
1. Chapter 1

Alec was lying on his bed at the Institute… doing nothing. He was just staring with big, dark blue eyes at the swirls of plaster on the ceiling. He felt as if his life had suddenly become surreal… He had come so close to losing Magnus, so close to that wound, that battle snatching him away… Only to be lulled into a false sense of security that Magnus was fine and everything would be alright… And then… He couldn't bear to think about it.

And what was more… He couldn't even get his revenge on Camille. That stupid little vampire had beaten him to it. He couldn't stand to be anywhere but here in his room, because if he was out of his room, he was seeing his mother and father, Jace and Clary, or hell, even Simon and Isabel. Everyone was a happy couple but him.

And to be honest, Alec couldn't even stand being in his room, all alone. He couldn't stand doing anything. He felt angry and betrayed.

And if he didn't feel angry or betrayed, he felt sorrowful… or plain empty. He sighed and swung his legs off of the bed and closed his eyes, blinking hot and salty water out of them. He brushed the couple of tears away and looked out the window. _Rain, _he thought, looking out at the dreary gray of New York under clouds. Water droplets had spattered his window, and he wasn't sure how he had missed the sound of it. _Just what I need._

He grabbed a dark sweatshirt from his chair and pushed his arms through the sleeves, flicking the hood up. He slid his feet into shoes and walked out, not sure where he was going, but he needed to go someplace.

He grabbed a couple seraph blades as he was walking out the door, and he stuck them on his belt. After he passed the kitchen, he heard footsteps following him. They continued following him for a stretch of hallway, and he determined that they were indeed following him, and not heading someplace else. He spun on sneakered heels and opened his mouth angrily. "What?!" He asked, and then saw who it was. "Um… Sorry for shouting Dad." He said awkwardly. "I'm going out." He added, his voice cold. He was unable to forget the words his father had spoken. They echoed in his mind. _'What turned you gay?'_ His fists clenched and he turned back around, not giving his father any time to say anything.

But a hand on his shoulder stopped him. He gave the hand a glance, but said nothing; instead he let his father do the talking. "Son… It was for the best." Alec's eyes narrowed, anger unfurling inside of him. He took a shuddering breath as one of his fists twitched. "And why is that?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice steady. "You can find a girl and settle down in the future. That warlock won't be holding you back from a normal life."

At that Alec snapped. He began to shake with rage, but before his father could even comprehend that, Alec had grabbed the wrist of the hand on his shoulder and twisted back around. The expression on his father's face was shocked, but he didn't seem to register the pain from the twist Alec had given his wrist. "This is me, Dad. I'm gay, and nothing will change that. Do you think if I could help it I would choose to be gay? And earn the disrespect of the entire Clave for it? Do you think I'm some kid crying out for attention?" He asked darkly. Then he dropped his father's hand and turned, not waiting to see his reaction, not waiting for anything.

Soon he was out the front door and into the rain. He bowed his head down, still shaking. Water hit his sweatshirt, but it had not yet sunk through. He didn't have anywhere to go, anywhere he wanted to go. He wasn't hungry, or he'd go to Taki's… But going there for no reason just meant he might run into someone that he knew.

Finally, after thinking of nothing but his pounding heart beat and the pitter-patter of the rain on the pavement, he had calmed down enough that his shaking was no longer due to anger, but cold. He wiped under his eyes again, realizing that there was water there, before looking up.

He then realized something else, and that was where his feet had been taking him. Someplace that screamed comfort… _In the past, that is._ He thought and then sighed and stared at the door to Magnus's building. He let his eyes travel upward, looking at Magnus's window. He wondered what his former lover was doing in there… Or if he was even there, the lights were off.

He swallowed and looked back down as he felt a pang of horror. His hand had been fishing in his pocket for a key he no longer had, and it had startled him that he didn't. It was with another gut-wrenching and heart-twisting pang that he turned away. He wondered if Magnus was looking out his window, if he had seen him… He wondered how Magnus would feel if that were the case.

But as he walked down the alley next to Magnus's house, intending fully to stop and lean against the wall and take some deep breaths in the somewhat rain sheltered area between two buildings, that this was not the case. Not that he knew that at first… He heard an odd sound, a low but somehow high-pitched noise. It was guttural. He saw an odd shadow, but some trashcans blocked his view of the creature itself. It seemed to have a tail and two heads. He drew one of his blades and whispered its name. The blade grew and glowed angelically. He crept down the alley, weary of this creature but at the same time, eager to fight and let out some of his bottled-up anger.

But as he came closer, the creature loomed into sight. In fact, it was two creatures. Two warlocks, to be specific. They were making out. His eyes darkened and he lowered his blade. He just stood there for a moment, about to begin backing away.

But then the guy looked up at him and Alec's eyes grew wider, recognizing the warlock's eyes first. They were green cat's eyes. He almost dropped his blade in shock.

But then the shock was gone, replaced by anger. His eyes narrowed and his grip tightened on his blade. He wanted to swing it at Magnus and this warlock girl.

And that was why he turned and ran as fast as he could out of the alley. He ran down the street for a good distance, not looking back at any point. Then he turned and ran down another alley.

Out of breath and upset, he collapsed against the wall. He was shaking so hard he couldn't manage to even whisper the name of his blade to have it retract. No, he wasn't just shaking. He was sobbing. He hated to admit it. His hood had fallen back and his face was streaked with rain, but also tears, hot against his cold skin.

He knew he had to calm down. He knew he had to. But he couldn't, and he wasn't quite sure that he wanted to. His fingers slipped from his seraph blade and the angelic metal clattered to the ground. He didn't bother to pick it up.

Alec heard footsteps on the pavement, coming toward him. He didn't do anything except turn his face away and cover it with the crook of his elbow. What else would he do? What else could he do?

"Alec," The familiar voice spoke. Alec's responding, "Get away from me," was halfhearted and muffled almost beyond recognition by his wet sleeve. "You know you don't want that…" Magnus told Alec, his fingers gently touching Alec's face. Alec could hear his frown as he spoke, "You're cold." Alec flinched as if Magnus had hit him. "Have you noticed the weather?" Alec asked, lifting his face from his elbow a little so that his words were understandable.

Magnus's fingers took advantage or Alec's lifted face. They found his chin and gently pulled it so that they were face to face. He opened his mouth, but then closed it again. Then he opened it again, probably changing his words at the sight of Alec's face. "Does seeing me with another upset you this much?" Alec tried to pull away, but Magnus's other hand had found the small of his back. Magnus pulled him closer.

Alec didn't give his question an answer besides struggling to get out of his ex's grasp, also struggling not to feel pleasure at the touch. But that didn't mean he wasn't thinking about it. He was upset about seeing Magnus with someone else, but would he have reacted like this if he had expected that? If he hadn't already been so upset by the words his father had spoken?

"Does it?" Magnus whispered in his ear. Alec gave a small shiver and tried to pull away yet again. His tears hadn't stopped. "Don't…" He protested. "Tease me." He gasped as he felt Magnus's tongue glide across the top of his ear. He felt his back arch and he let out another gasp.

"Magnus…" He smelled like sandalwood. One of Magnus's hands turned Alec's face back around, he had turned it as he had tried to escape. Their lips met and Alec could feel his will melting away. "Don't…" He mumbled in between a pair of kisses. "You said-" He began, but Magnus's lips met his again and spread them apart.

His tongue invaded Alec's mouth and Alec let out a little moan and his eyelids fluttered, an internal war taking place in the mind behind them.

_He said it was over…_ One side said. If it was over, they shouldn't be doing this.

_Maybe he misses you just as much as you miss him. Maybe he wants you back._ The other side said.

_ But what about the girl?_ The first side reminded him.

_Maybe it was like that time when I was 16… I got with a girl, trying to get away from Jace…_

The second side was winning over at the moment. He wanted to believe that Magnus wanted him back, it was only natural. Alec was kissing Magnus back wholeheartedly by now; he'd even wrapped his arms around his neck. But it was the first side's turn to take its place in the mental debate when Magnus's fingers undid his fly. Alec pulled away from the kiss, but didn't remove his arms. "Don't…" He protested, but then Magnus's fingers wiggled further, to the opening in his boxers…

"DON'T FUCK AROUND HERE, MAGNUS!" He shouted, fresh tears spilling from his eyes. He couldn't bear it if they… Did unspeakable things and it had all just been a game, orchestrated by the warlock.

"Shhh," Magnus soothed. "I love you, Alec Lightwood." And despite everything else, this was what allowed Alec's lips to meet Magnus's again, those three words. "Nn…" Alec let out the pleasurable sound.

"Magnus-" He began, but was cut off by the lips of the one he spoke to. He let out a little moan, clearly distracted. "At least-" He managed to get out as they both surfaced for air. "Not..." Magnus had moved to his neck, and Alec drew in a sharp breath and fought to maintain thought.

"Not here, Magnus… It's raining… And cold…" He said and Magnus evidently agreed, because suddenly he lifted Alec and brought their mouths back together, walking toward to end of the alley.

When they were beside the street, Magnus set him down and Alec gave him a little kiss before sliding his arms away and grabbing onto Magnus's hand in his. He hadn't run as far as he'd thought, but they both ran the distance through the rain back to Magnus's building.

Once they were inside, they continued running up to Magnus's place. Once there, they quickly stripped and invaded the bed, which got an angry hiss from the Chairman (who had once again been hiding beneath the blankets).

A while after, they were both asleep, Alec curled in Magnus's arms as if their relationship had never had any break. Chairman Meow watched them both from the bedside table, probably angry that Alec had taken his spot to sleep.

In the morning, when Alec woke, he kept his eyes closed. What a wonderful dream he'd had... If only it were real... He didn't open his eyes, relishing the touch of... Wait. The touch... A warm arm rested on him, a hand directly above his, as if it he had been holding it. He didn't even need to open his eyes to know that that had not been a dream, and that he was not in his bed at the Institute. He could feel the slow steady heartbeat of the one sleeping next to him.

He opened his eyes to see Chairman Meow a few inches away from his face. He reached out and stroked the cat's head from a moment before scratching his ears. "The Chairman likes you," Stated a voice from behind his him. "He likes anyone who scratches behind his ears." Alec replied, turning over to face Magnus. He was eye level with his lover's collarbone, and he brought his head in closer, pressing his lips gently to Magnus's chest. Then he closed his eyes and rested his forehead there.

"Still sleepy, Alec darling?" Magnus asked. Alec could feel his fingers gently stroking his hair. He gave a little huff of laughter, barely audible. But he shivered at Magnus's touch. "Cold?" Magnus asked next.

Alec gave a tiny shake of his head, his hair brushing against Magnus's chest. A small smile was on his face now. "I love you." He told Magnus.

Suddenly Magnus's chest was moving away from him. He looked up, and Magnus had moved himself into a sitting position. He reached across Alec and scooped up his cat. Alec looked at his face, which was determinedly focused on his cat. Alec felt a pang of fear for a moment, what was he thinking? But he waved his uncertainty away. "Uhn..." He gave a little groan as he pushed himself up. He held himself up by his arms for a moment, considering just laying back down. Getting up meant that he had to move and think. He didn't want to leave, but he knew he'd have to. He turned over into a sitting position.

He put a hand up to the side of his head, his fingers underneath his hair. He rubbed his eye a little like this. "What time is it?" He wondered aloud, drawing his hand away. He looked around for a clock.

"Almost eleven," Magnus told him. "Are you sure that you aren't still tired?" He proceeded to ask. "You aren't usually this groggy in the morning." Alec grunted. His eyes had found the clock, and sure enough, it was about ten to eleven. "My mom is going to think a demon ate me or something." He said with a sigh.

He looked over at Magnus. He wanted to just lean against him and go back to sleep, but... He needed to at least text Izzy. He pushed himself off of the bed with another small "uhn" of a groan. He sunk to the floor and pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket. He plopped back down on the bed, upsetting the Chairman. He streaked off of the bed and the under the dresser.

Alec opened his phone, about to open a new message. Then he figured it would be easier to just call her. He dialed her number. She picked up on the second ring. "Alec! Where are you?" Her voice said from the phone. "Whoa, calm down." He told her. "I spent the night at a friend's place, I'm fine." He told her. "Where...? With who...?" She asked. He shut the phone, not wanting to answer that.

He swung his legs back onto the bed and scooted closer to Magnus. He put his arms carefully around his neck. "I missed you." He said, not looking at Magnus's face. He let his head rest under his lover's chin.

"A lot." He added, and kissed his collarbone.

Magnus's hands turned Alec's face upward, and before Alec really knew what was happening, he was being kissed by Magnus. It was a sweet kiss, and Alec wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

"Are you sure that you're not tired?" Magnus asked him, not letting go of his face, but brushing his thumbs over his cheekbones. "You seem exhausted." He added. Alec sighed, his eyelids were, in fact, heavy and sliding down. "I haven't been able to sleep." He admitted.

Magnus took his hands away from Alec's face, and Alec slumped down.

Then he looked up at Magnus. The expression on his face surprised Alec. It was like he was just really looking at Alec... and it kind of creeped Alec out.

"Can I use your shower?" He asked. Magnus seemed to snap out of it. "Sure," He replied. "Just save some hot water for me." He said. Alec nodded and stood, walking over to the bathroom.

When he got in there, he turned on the water and went to stand in front of the mirror. What was it that Magnus had been looking at? He had lost weight, his hipbones were more pronounced, and the center ribs a few bones below his sternum could be seen where they stuck out more than the others... And he was paler. He had purple smudges of shadow beneath his eyes, which seemed to always be heavily-lidded.

He turned away from the mirror, feeling a little light-headed about what it had shown him. He then clambered into the shower, where he saw the sandalwood scented soap that they had bought together. He sank into its scent as he showered.

When he was done, he wrapped himself in one of Magnus's fluffy towels and walked back into the bedroom. He realized he didn't have any clothes to change into. _Oh well, _He thought. _I'll just have to wear my clothes from yesterday._ He walked over to them and pulled on his underwear. He picked up his jeans, to discover that they were still damp from the rain.

He pulled them on anyways, but when he picked up his shirt, which had been lying under his even wetter sweatshirt, it was soaked through. He frowned and dropped it. He'd have to borrow something from Magnus.

He looked around the room, realizing that Magnus wasn't there. He wandered into the hallway, and peeked into the living room. He wasn't there either. Alec stood there for a moment, his scars showing on his bare chest. He lifted an arm and scratched the back of his head, then let it drop back down to his side. "Hm." He made the sound before walking back to Magnus's bedroom. He opened the dresser drawer, and gently picked through the clothes, looking for something that was at least somewhat normal.

Suddenly, he saw to the left of his fingers, a dark sweater. He picked it up and lifted it to his face. It smelled like sandalwood and Magnus and… himself. Definitely not like laundry detergent. He pulled it away from his face and fingered the tag. He remembered packing this… He felt his heart twist a little.

Then, right after it twisted it jolted at the sound of a voice behind him. He jumped and turned around, holding the shirt and looking a little guilty. "What are you doing in my dresser?" Magnus asked. "I-" Alec hesitated. "I was looking for a shirt. Mine's wet." He said and pointed to it with a free hand. Magnus looked down at it, then back at the sweater in Alec's hand. Alec held it up a little higher. "Then I found this. Sorry, I must've left it here…" He said, looking at Magnus out of the corner of his eye, seeing if he would contradict that.

Magnus had his mouth slightly open, but then he closed it. "Probably," He agreed. Alec pulled it over his head. "You were in there for a while. I take it there's not any hot water left?" Alec looked up at Magnus and blinked. "I dunno…" He mumbled. He was feeling anxious. He shifted on bare feet, a little uncomfortable. "Is it still raining?" He asked.

Magnus nodded his head, and Alec plucked his phone up off of the bed. Six new messages, all of them from Izzy. He sighed. "You should get going," Magnus said and Alec looked up, his heart giving an odd throb.

"Ah… O-okay." He said and turned around, trying to hide the fact that he was scared, scared of what Magnus meant by those four words. "Do you… wa… want m…" He said, and changed paths halfway through. "To do something tomorrow? When can I come back?" He asked spinning back to face Magnus, his heart pounding like it did in battle, but there was none of the high- just a dizzy, dreary feeling.

Magnus was looking at him strangely, but then his expression became cold. "Last night doesn't change anything, Alexander." He said. Alec's hands twitched, reaching for something. But there was nothing, no one there to hold him steady. He attempted to swallow the lump in his throat. He opened his mouth, but what could he say?

"What-whatever works." He struggled to get the words out, even at a whisper. His eyes burned as his voice cracked. The spinning had stopped, he had hit the ground. He felt like shit.

And that pissed him off. Why should he be feeling this way? He was at the door, but he couldn't bring himself to open it. He spun back around, to see Magnus, who had evidently been following him. "You don't get it do you?!" He shouted the question. "You, you can just move on and find someone else! But it's not like that for me, for any Shadowhunter! People give me shit for being gay, and I just have to take it because there's nothing I can do about it! No one would know if it weren't for you, because I came out for you! That was the biggest and hardest decision I ever made, but does it make any difference to you?!" He shouted. Magnus had yet to respond, but he looked shocked, his cat's eyes were wide.

"And on top of that, I can't go with some normal mundane because I can't tell them what I am! Most Downworlders hate my guts for what I am, and no Shadowhunter would go with me! Even if they were gay themselves, everyone knows I'm gay, and most don't risk coming out!" He continued, his chest rising and falling quickly. "I don't blame them either!" He said. "I wish I hadn't… I have nothing left! The Clave… They listen to my siblings more than me, even if I'm part of them and Isabel and Jace aren't! At first I thought that they didn't listen to me because I was young… But no, I'm gay so my opinions naturally don't count, they aren't rational…" His voice had gotten a little quieter, but it was slightly hysterical. "And even my own father-"

He stopped, shocked at himself. He didn't even say anything else before opening the door and storming out. He fled the building and ran down the street, not even noticing the rain dripping from the sky and putting cruel, icy claws through his sweater.

Finally he slowed and leaned over, resting his hands on his knees and panting. A sob ripped out of him, and he pulled one hand up to wipe his eyes. _Another reason why I can't just move on,_ He thought, _Is because I'm still in love with you._ He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. He closed his eyes and then opened them, standing up.

He knew that it was impractical to walk back to the Institute, it had been impractical to walk to Magnus's in the first place, but he didn't want to get home. So he'd walk and drag out his time away from everyone. Right now, he just wanted to feel miserable without people bothering him.


	2. Chapter 2

Damn. Alec had made it home. He hesitated at the door. Well, leaned against it, considering just turned and walking back away. But no, he had his family in there, probably not at all reassured by his phone call. He gave a sigh and opened the door his face down. He just wanted to show them that he was alive and then to crawl back into his room and suffer.

"Alec!" Cried Mayrse's voice. Alec didn't even look up as he heard his mother running to him. Not even when she threw her arms around him. He said nothing. "Alec…?" She asked, and he moved his arm, gently enough, to get her off of him. He turned and began walking away, knowing he was probably worrying her more… But she knew he was safe, at least.

"Alec!" She snapped. "What is up with you?!" She asked. Alec stopped, and turned his head, looking at her through his hair. He didn't know what to say. "I'm an adult." He reminded her in a dead tone and continued walking.

Mayrse walked after him. "Alexander!" She snapped. "You may be an adult, but you are still my son, my child." She said harshly. "And I care about you, I worry about you! So please, put a woman's mind to rest and just talk to me." She was pleading now.

Alec had fallen into the guilt trip. "Mo-" He began, but he was cut off by another voice. "Alec! Where have you been? We were so worried about you…" Alec's hands, slack and about to reach out to his mother, tightened back into fists at the sound of his father's voice.

"Don't you stand there and pretend like you care about me." He said in a dark voice, his hair blocking his eyes.

He heard his mother's shocked intake of breath. Alec wanted to walk away, but no, this needed to be said. "You think I'm a monster. Just because I like guys, just because I'm gay." He said the words darkly, and his head rose up, showing his face. "Well you know what? I'm sick of it." He told his father, his tone not lightened in the least bit.

"Screw the Clave, they can look down on me all they want!" He shouted. "And screw you too!" He added.

"That's what you want isn't it?! To be screwed? You can't get enough, can you?" He asked, knowing that his beating was below the belt. "At least I'm faithful to my partner!" He shouted. Then, having gotten that load off his chest, he gauged his father's expression.

He didn't look like he was going to retaliate, so Alec spun around and ran off, down the hall. He reached his room in a blur, his heart pounding and his lungs about to burst. He slammed the door shut and collapsed against it.

His father looked like he'd looked straight into the fires of hell. And the fact that Alec had gotten his father to look like that...

Frankly, it scared him half to death.

He stood up and took the couple of steps needed to his bed and collapsed again. He took a deep breath, whiffs of sandalwood and Magnus filling his nose, despite his shirt being wet. Memories of the night before flashed in his mind.

They certainly didn't help in getting over Magnus. They only made his desire for him more intense. With more bite and more with more longing pain.

He rolled over onto his side, wanting to just sit there and stare out his window at the drizzle outside, and if he was lucky, maybe fall asleep. It was funny how much you missed sleeping when you, well, missed out on sleep.

But he didn't get to just stare out the window and maybe fall asleep. Why? Because he heard something crinkle from beneath him. He sat up and plucked the piece of paper off of his bed with long, scarred fingers and unfolded it, a mild look on his face.

His mild expression turned into one of shock as he read the words on the paper. They read: "Meet me at Taki's tonight at 12. -Magnus" Nothing more, just to meet him at Taki's. Nerves suddenly were tingling all up and down Alec's body.

Suddenly, the thing he wanted to do least was to lay here and stare out the window. He felt jittery, and he folded the paper up again, slipped it into his pocket and got up. He went into the bathroom and turned the tap onto the sink. Water spilled out of the faucet and splashed loudly on the sink. He reached into the water with his skeletal hands, then splashed the cold liquid onto his face. He grabbed the towel with one hand while twisting the tap back around in the other. He dried his face and looked at it in the mirror. The shadows were still there, but tiny little red blotches had responded to the cold water, they were fading even then. His sweater was looser on him than it had been the last time he wore it. His jeans sagged, despite being held up by a belt, on his slender hips. He definitely looked different than he had six months ago. He looked different than he had one month ago, for goodness sake. He gripped the side of the sink, tendons popping out on his hand under pale skin. His eyes slid closed. What did Magnus want from him? His fingers tightened, the loosened as his eyes opened.

He pushed himself away from the sink and walked out of the bathroom, then

out of his room.

First he went to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and peered inside. Nothing that he wanted to eat. He opened a cupboard. Nothing there either. He hadn't had breakfast... Or lunch. Or dinner the previous night, now that he thought about it. He was starving. He opened the cupboard back up and pulled out a box of crackers. He chewed one for a moment and then pulled a glass from another cupboard. He filled it with water and downed it in almost a single gulp. Jace walked in and looked at Alec. "What the hell?" He asked, which surprised Alec. "No sarcastic comment?" He asked and stuffed another cracker into his mouth.

"Actually, yes, but I figured now wasn't the time. Didn't you just beat Dad into submission and run off like a bat out of hell?"

Alec frowned and swallowed. "I suppose so?" He said, his voice questioning. He nibbled on another cracker. "Your point?" He asked his parabati. "Well," Jace began. "No one really expected you to be in the kitchen. We expected that you were hiding out somewhere in the house, wanting to be left alone in your dark time of suffering." He told him, his voice getting the little sarcastic tone it usually had toward the end of his statement. "Well…" Alec told him, finishing off the cracker.

"I was hungry. I haven't eaten for the past day." He closed the box of crackers.

Then he walked out of the kitchen, and he roamed the halls, going to the training room, the library, back to his room, unable to settle on a spot to stay.

Alec closed his bedroom door. Finally, he could stay in his room… He could lock himself away without arousing the suspicion of the others, what, with his behavior from the whole day. He knew that they were worried about him and he wondered if they had a good reason to worry. After all... He was planning on going out in the middle of the night to go see someone who might love him but might hate him. But then again... He needed to know which it was. Was Magnus just playing with him? Or... Was he still serious?

Alec frowned and scolded himself mentally as his heart gave an odd throb at the thought. It didn't make any sense that Magnus would be serious. If he were, why did he end it? Alec gave a sigh and pushed off of the door, which he realized he'd been leaning against, enveloped in thought. He wandered into his bathroom, and glanced at the mirror. He was still wearing the sweater he'd found at Magnus', he noted along with the fact that it had long since dried. His hand was at the bottom hem when he hesitated, about to pull it off. Then he did so, thinking that he was stupid. What, keep the sweater on while he showered? He needed to shower, if only to let his family know that he was going to bed. He dropped it and it moved like liquid to the floor, fluidly fluttering. He gave another sigh and turned on the water. One hand he held under the water while the other undid his jeans. He flinched, remembering the last time his jeans had been undone. Bastard.

He sighed again, working his jeans off. Sighing, he noticed, was something he had been doing a lot of lately. The realization of this frustrated him, but he brushed it aside. He threw the jeans down on top of the sweater and slipped into the shower. He washed in a sort of daze, lost in a weave of thoughts until the hot water washed them away like a conscious sleep. Even though he had hardly an idea what he was doing, his hands carefully washed his body on routine.

He flinched as he felt his ribs and then his hipbones. He knew he had always been slender and light... But... He had never been this thin before. He had seriously lost weight.

Later, having stood under the hot water for so long that his muscles were loose and he was relaxed, the water ran cold. Before his muscles could tense up again he snapped the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist.

His eyes flickered to the mirror before he could stop them, raking over his exposed torso and generally unhealthy look. He quickly tore his gaze away and slipped back into his room. He glanced at the clock. It was just almost eleven. He'd set off as soon as he was dressed then.

Most often everyone was still mulling about, but they all sort of drifted off. Things had been awkward today, he couldn't blame them.

Alec opened a drawer and pulled on some clothes. Another black sweater donned and tighter pair of jeans. He rubbed the towel over his head, and then combed through his messy hair. He looked the same as he had before, but it didn't matter. He hadn't taken a shower for Magnus, anyways.

He slipped on his sneakers once more and then slipped himself out of the door, pulling out his stele and drawing upon himself a silence rune. He tread carefully down the hall anyways, not wanting to cast a shadow in the wrong spot or to be caught in some light or in the face of an open door to an occupied room.

Somehow, he must not have been careful enough, because as he was looking across the hall he slammed into something... That something was his parabati. On the ground, he pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose and then carefully removed his hands. "Please," He said in a whisper, breaking his silence rune. Jace held out a hand to him and asked, his tawny eyes serious, "Why?"

Alec looked down. "I wouldn't interfere with you if you were sneaking out." He said. "Really? Under the same circumstances? No one has any idea what you're up to, now me, wouldn't you just assume I were going to go see Clary or something?" Alec frowned. Damn it, no one else knew about him seeing Magnus again. He didn't want to tell them, either.

"So, what, I can't be going to go see a guy? I can't just have a late night date?" He asked, sounding annoyed, but pulling himself up by Jace's hand anyways. Jace's face was like stone. Alec tried to brush past him, but Jace held him back. "Do you really have a date?" He asked, his voice... Odd. Alec nodded. He did, even if it were with a certain guy that they all knew and not just some guy. "Please let me go, Jace. It's important that I'm not late."

This time, when Alec pushed by Jace, he wasn't stopped. He slipped out of the house and flagged down a taxi. He threw money into the cabbie's hands and told him where to go. The rain had let up. It was only misting lightly now, he noticed as he looked out the window, anxious to get there.

When the cab stopped, Alec jumped out and waiting for it to drive away before making his way into Taki's. He hesitated by the door, ready to walk in and took a deep breath, realizing that he was shaking. He needed to calm down.

And so he did. He waited until he had stopped shaking, not long, only a minute or so, and walked in, looking around. He was expecting that Magnus wouldn't be hard to find, dripping glitter like usual, his hair up in spikes and his eyes outlined in black, with something flamboyant as his clothing.

However as it turned out, Alec had to look rather hard for him. He caught sight of a dark curl against a flawless neck, behind that ear and leading to those green eyes with the slits for pupils. He was wearing a trench coat and hardly any mascara at all... Alec walked over and slid into the booth on the opposite side of him. "What's up with you?" He asked Magnus, actually a little worried.

"What do you mean?" Magnus asked, giving the watch on his wrist a swift glance. "You're late, also." Alec opened his mouth. "Well, ah... I mean that you look a little... Um... Yeah, about that..." His arm was behind his head as he tried to explain. "Did I mention I love your hair?" He blurted out.

Magnus stared at him and he sank down in his seat a little. "I'm sorry I was late..." He mumbled, his deep blue eyes not directed at Magnus. He heard Magnus sigh. "I shouldn't have said that." He told Alec. "I wanted to apologize in the first place." Alec stared at the booth. "Do you think apologizing will make things any better?" He asked, his voice quiet and just barely bitter. By now, Alec was just tired of this. He wanted Magnus back. But he wanted things to just end if they were just going to be fuckbuddies. He couldn't do that, not with the man he loved.

"I don't want to apologize for breaking up with you, Alexander." Magnus said, and Alec still didn't look at him. "Right," He said. "Well then spit it out because I obviously don't know what's going on." He told Magnus. He heard another sigh come from Magnus. Alec heard Magnus open his mouth and the words had almost stared to come out of his mouth when a voice came, a female voice.

Alec looked up. The waitress, right, she had asked what they wanted. Magnus didn't order anything, but Alec ordered a coffee, rubbing his eyes thinking of how he needed the caffeine. "You should really eat something," Magnus told him. Alec just shrugged, pretending that he didn't know why Magnus was so worried.

Neither one of them said anything for a few moments, the two sat in silence, then the waitress brought around Alec's coffee. He placed his hands on either side of the mug with his sleeves in between to make sure he wasn't burned, relishing the warmth that soaked through the material. He lifted it to his lips and sipped it.

Magnus made a slight noise. "What I wanted to say was that I'm sorry you're having troubles at home and that I'm not trying to be unsympathetic but…" Alec lowered the mug slowly toward the table, looking at Magnus with his dark sapphire eyes. Didn't he remember Alec's answer to those words last time? "It's all another good reason for us to be apart."

At this, Alec dropped the mug. It fell from his fingers down only an inch or so to the table, but it splashed up at Alec's now exposed hand. Not expecting the burning hot liquid, Alec jumped and quickly drew his hand in, more surprised by the pain than anything else.

Nothing happened for a moment. Magnus stared at the mug for a moment, then at Alec. Alec stared with wide eyes at the mug, then at Magnus. Finally, Alec broke the silent staring between them, cradling his hand in his lap. "How the hell did you get that?!" He asked, his shoulders giving a little movement as he tensed with the hostile words.

Magnus sighed again. "You want comfort. Do you think I can't see that? If we were together, I'd be that comfort and nothing more. I love you, Alec, so I can't stand to be used by you." Alec spluttered a bit at this.

"I can't even... What do you...!" He made a noise and took a short but deep breath. "Look, Magnus-" He began, but then his phone went off. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at it. A call from... His mother. Damn it, Jace... He thought. He hesitated. Should he answer it? He wouldn't normally... But he knew that she was probably worried sick.

Before he could come to a decision, Magnus grabbed the phone out of his hands and pressed the 'end' button first thing. "That was my mom!" Alec said, looking at it. Magnus simply raised his eyebrows. Then he waved a hand. "You were saying?" Alec watched him. He seemed to be going through his phone. "Uhhh..." He mumbled, not sure if he should ask for it back or not.

Before he could really say anything, Magnus began to speak. "I am your ICE contact?!" He asked. Alec nodded slowly, not sure what was going on with his angry tone. "So, if something happens you could call me up to fix everything all the more quickly?!" Alec stared at him, angry but he remained calm.

"No, that was not my reasoning." He said, his voice quiet as he leaned back against the red faux leather booth. He had a rather scary aura about him, glaring coldly Magnus through deep blue eyes. "I will give you the answer that I gave you when you said the words 'I'm not trying to be unsympathetic' the very first time." Alec said, not moving from his position, his arms remained crossed over his chest.

"I truly and honestly like you."

Magnus looked like he was about to say something, but Alec didn't give him the chance. "Well, I should say 'liked' you." He said with a slight emphasis on the past tense.

Magnus looked shocked, and Alec was surprised at that. "The reason that I don't 'like' you anymore is because..." He trailed off, shifting a little, looking up at the ceiling then back down to Magnus. "Well, it's because I love you." Then he pushed himself up, took a crumpled bill out of his pocket and set it on the table next to his coffee. He stood and walked away without another word, walking out the door and back out into the wet world.

He took a deep breath of the cold, night air. What the hell had he just done?

He began to walk, and then turned a corner. He knew that Magnus could probably follow him easily, but as he closed his eyes and leaned against a wall, he just couldn't bring himself to care.

He slowly opened his eyes, feeling tears beginning to well up beneath the lids once more. He hated that.

Alec had fully planned to simply blink the tears back, but his plan hadn't exactly included the surprise of green eyes right there and long eyelashes meshing with his own when he opened his eyes.

Alec jumped, causing the salty water to spill slightly from his eyes. "Jesus," He gasped and pushed Magnus away a little, stepping to the side. Magnus didn't say anything, and Alec watched him. What was he...? He was lifting a hand. Before Alec could move out of the way, a thumb caressed the moisture on his cheek, carefully tilted as to avoid the unpainted nail from touching skin.

Alec turned his head, drawing away from Magnus once more. "What do you want from me?" He asked quietly. Silence. After a moment of this, Alec exhaled and slid down the wall, his head falling forward. "Why can't things just..." What did he want to say? Work out? No. It wasn't anything along those lines. He just wanted Magnus to stop stringing him along, at least. "You said you don't want to be used by me… Well I don't want to be used by you, either, so can you please just back off?" He asked, suddenly feeling exhausted.

"Is that what you think this is, Alexander? Me using you?" Alec said nothing, closing his eyes. He didn't know if he even cared anymore. Once upon a time, he may have retorted with something like 'what else could it be?' or 'is it not?' But he couldn't even bring himself to that anymore. He didn't want to fight, fighting was getting him nowhere.

"Please," Alec eventually whispered, surprisingly hoarse. Then, a moment later, he gave an oddly sob-like laugh. "I never thought that I'd wish for the day when I could be back in your apartment, listening to you go on about some shit that had happened, telling me off and everything. And I never thought that I'd ever wish for the days before I met you when I fantasized about Jace day in and day out, but here I am. I guess I used to think 'better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all', but that doesn't really work for me, now does it? I'm just doomed to a lifetime alone and suffering, because I blew my chance, didn't I?" A sudden burst of hysterical laughter burst from him. "I guess you were right about my youth's folly and everything, huh?" Alec didn't care that he was just babbling whatever came to mind. He couldn't bring himself to care about much of anything.

"I give up." Alec said and stood, doing his best not to look at Magnus. "I'm tired of fighting." He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "I'll just go live life in the most useful way a lonely homo Shadowhunter ever could, killing demons until one of them catches up to me." He turned and began to walk away; thinking that 'tired' was one of the best words to describe how he felt. _I'm tired of feeling empty, angry or just plain shitty all the time. I'm tired… I'm just plain tired. _Suddenly, Alec's head was spinning. He blinked and grasped around for the wall, taking a few more unsteady steps with his head down. He could feel his hand trailing along wet bricks… Or concrete… _I'm tired of… tired of… tired… _"So…" He was having trouble stringing words together. "Tired…"

And then everything went black.


	3. Chapter 3

Alec was out before he could hear Magnus call his name, but thankfully, Magnus had been worried when Alec had first slowed down. He had moved toward Alec, and was within a yard of him. It was with quick reflex that he managed to keep Alec's head from hitting the ground after his knees had buckled.

_I must love this boy a lot, _He thought as he carried the unconscious Alec down the street. He was worried; he had to admit, at the fact that Alec wasn't even all that heavy.

And now Magnus was sitting, dripping wet and shirtless, in a chair across from his couch. His couch was occupied by the unconscious boy that he'd carried through the night streets of New York. Magnus shook his head at himself, why on earth had he taken Alec to his apartment? He was a warlock, not a doctor. And even though he could treat Alec if he needed treatment, the boy wasn't his responsibility. Not anymore. _Don't lie to yourself,_ a small voice chimed in the back of his head. _He became your responsibility again when you called him out in the middle of the night._

Suddenly, Magnus slid out of his chair and onto his knees next to the couch. He stretched out a gentle hand, pressing the back of it to Alec's forehead. He sighed. The poor kid was burning up. He pushed strands of wet hair out of Alec's face and sighed again. Why couldn't he have just dropped him off with his parents and let that be that? Why couldn't he leave Alec alone? Oh, right, because he cared.

It occurred to him that being clothed in soaking wet fabric probably wasn't the best thing for Alec's health, and he managed to get him into only his underclothes. He knew that sitting around and waiting for Alec to wake up was useless, but he didn't want to not be around when Alec did wake up. Still, being soaked wasn't comfortable for him either, so Magnus filled a glass of water and set it by the couch, just in case, before heading off to shower. If Alec still wasn't awake when he got out, he supposed he could play doctor for a little longer. After all, what was done was done.

When Magnus returned to the living room, in a pair of purple paisley silk pajama pants, sure enough, Alec was still asleep. He snapped his fingers and a digital thermometer appeared, floating next to him. He took Alec's temperature, and after determining that Alec was not in any mortal danger, he rubbed his eyes. He was tired. He snapped again and the thermometer disappeared and a blanket appeared. He tucked it around Alec and headed off to his bedroom, knowing that he'd done all he could for the night.

…

Alec groaned as consciousness began to set in. His head was pounding, a painful rhythm thrummed against his skull. His hand reached up and groped at the skin beneath his hair, and he rubbed his face against the soft pillow that was there. His thoughts were mere static, contorted by grogginess and the hangover-esque headache that he had.

But suddenly, he sat up, feeling considerably more awake. This was due to the two thoughts that had managed to break through to Novocain wall of numbness in his mind: 'What happened?' And 'Where am I?'

When he sat up, he could practically hear the blood rushing out of his head and the pounding grew more intense. He let out an abrupt and shaky exhalation, clutching his head and blinking, attempting to get his eyes adjusted to the dark. The last thing he remembered was getting up to go home off of the street, after a... well, he supposed you could call it an argument, with Magnus that he wasn't quite ready to think about yet. Some hazy images of spinning brick walls and pavement made their way to his mind, but he wasn't sure if they weren't just products of his over-heated brain.

However, his eyes had adjusted enough to make out the shapes of the things surrounding him. He recognized the place immediately, it was Magnus' living room. That didn't make any sense. Why was he here, of all places? One place that he swore to himself that he'd never come to again as he turned his back and walked away from the warlock that had broken his heart, and it was the first place he opened his eyes to, right after making the mental oath. And another question, how did he get where he was in the first place?

The questions that he had could wait, however, because he wasn't feeling well, not in the least. The pain had begun to make him feel nauseous and slightly dizzy, and he could feel cold sweat beading up all over his body. He stood carefully, and began to make his way, weak-kneed and using furniture to support himself, over to the wall.

Then, he felt his way down the hall to the bathroom. He didn't bother to turn on the light, but turned the tap immediately. After splashing cold water on his hot face, the pounding in his head, like waves against a shore, receded a little and he looked at himself, leaning heavily against the sink and wall, by the light of the city from the window that was also reflected in the mirror. God, he looked horrible.

Just then, the nausea decided to show its violent side and constricted his stomach in a painful twist. He made it to the toilet just as the bile surged up, burning the back of his throat.

...

Magnus sat up in his bed, unsure as to why he was suddenly awake. He had heard something, or so he thought. He wasn't quite sure if he had or hadn't, so he listened carefully for anything else. He heard the sudden sound from the floor below, the toilet seat being thrown back with a clank. This sound was immediately followed by retching, and Magnus was quickly out of bed, leaving both his cat and slippers forlorn by the bed in his hurry downstairs.

"Alec?!" He called, unfazed by his quick flight down the steps as he was always. If his heart ever beat erratically, it would've been at that moment. However, it did not ever beat erratically, and it remained slow and steady as always, like that of a sleeping human.

Magnus skidded to a stop by the bathroom door, open and displaying Alec kneeling on the ground beside the toilet, skin covered in a sheen of shimmering sweat. Magnus let out a low breath as Alec looked up, dark sapphire eyes half-lidded and glowing feverishly. Magnus opened his mouth to speak, but Alec motioned with one hand for him to leave, and Magnus closed his mouth, swallowing his words. He did not, however, leave. He walked over and squatted down next to the younger man, really a child in comparison, but that did not matter. Magnus gently put a hand on Alec's back, a hand meant to comfort. But the comfort wasn't welcome, and Alec weakly tried to shake the hand off. Magnus did remove the hand, but only to brush black hair out of his companion's eyes.

This time, Magnus was not shaken off, and he removed his hand of his own accord, letting it fall into his lap as he looked at Alec, green cat eyes plainly showing concern. "What the _hell _happened to me?" Alec asked after a moment. Magnus chuckled a little, not cruelly though. "I'm going to say this was probably of your own doing, Alexander, darling." He said. "Wandering around in the rain may be therapeutic, but it is certainly not good for your physical health. Nor is starving yourself, may I add," He spared a pointed glance for Alec. Alec let out what seemed like it could be a laugh, sob and cough all in one. "Yeah, well it wasn't on purpose." He said with a weak trace of humor. Magnus let out a low sound of agreement.

"I'm bringing you back to the Institute tomorrow morning," Magnus said with an air of finality.

…

"What?" Alec demanded, suddenly not so weak. He looked up at Magnus, a fire of determination and panic alight in his eyes. When would the games stop? Every time, Alec was lulled back into the comfortable feeling of being with Magnus, and every time… every time… Alec felt hot, angry tears well up in his eyes. He turned away, bringing up a hand to wipe them away. _Stupid,_ he told himself.

…

Magnus sighed. "They can treat you better than I can, Alec." He said, mostly just to appease the boy. He knew that things couldn't continue like they were, of course. There needed to be something concrete, right now they were both trying to walk through quicksand, getting sucked into the moment but thinking nothing of the future. Or at least, Magnus was. He did not simply want to take Alec back, how could he? Alec considered going behind his back and taking away his immortality. He could not see himself forgiving that… But yet he was still so impeccably drawn to Alec. After he saw him for the first time after their break-up… It was "I can't help myself" which later turned into "I need to set things straight". Then, when Alec passed out, it was "I can't just leave him here". But why wouldn't he have taken Alec back to the Institute? It was as he said to Woolsey Scott a century before, "Once you save someone's life, they become your responsibility." Except, with Alec, it was more than that. Unlike it was with the remarkably similar-looking Will Herondale, Magnus loved Alec. He really didn't have the willpower to help himself, he reflected sadly. That was something he never thought he'd have to say, after all his years he should've learned better.

Without any further ado, Magnus stood to leave.

…

As Magnus stood, his cat stalked in, right past his master. The tiny tabby went straight to Alec, rubbing its head against a bare thigh, a loud purr resounding around the small bathroom. Magnus looked back at the Chairman, and the cat simply glared at him. Magnus was clearly shocked by this, but the cat was unblinking even in the somewhat hurt expression of its owner. Magnus had stopped for a moment, again his inner workings quite clear, but then he abruptly turned heel and left.


	4. Chapter 4

Alec woke suddenly, knowing with some premonition that something was off. When he opened his eyes, he once again was greeted with not knowing where the hell he was. After a moment, however, he realized that he was in his room at the Institute. _Was it all a dream? _He thought, filled with a sudden despair. But no, when he sat, his head began to pound horribly once more and a note fell from his chest and onto his uncovered lap. He turned it over, to see the words _"The Chairman likes you. –M" _scrawled across it. "What the hell, Magnus?!" He said, to the sender, though he was clearly not there.

He swung his legs out of bed and stood, to find that he was still quite wobbly and weak. He stumbled out of his room, and managed to make his way down to the kitchen, where his family sat eating breakfast. At the sight of him, stumbling with his head down, Jace said, "Are you drunk?" At the exact time that Isabel and his mother simultaneously exclaimed, "Where have you been?"

Alec didn't really respond to any of them, for he was beginning to feel nauseous and the room was beginning to spin again. He collapsed into the chair next to Jace, keeping his mouth tightly shut and just shaking his head. He could feel Jace's tawny eyes look at him with concern and Izzy beat his mother to asking, "Are you okay?" To which he simply replied to with more shaking of his head. He was beginning to feel quite dizzy, too dizzy…

And with that, he slid off his chair and vomited on the kitchen floor.

…

When Alec woke for the second time that day, the ceiling above him was blue, with painted angels and swirls of white clouds. The hospital… "By the Angel…" He said aloud and shook his head slightly at himself.

"I'm still not convinced you weren't just drunk," Came the casual voice from the doorway. Alec gave his parabatai an appraising look. "I even know what could explain your fever, so don't point that one out to me." Alec raised his eyebrows. "Oh?" He questioned. "Do I need to explain to little Aleckie?" Jace mocked, and Alec, seeing where he was going, cut him off before he could continue. "No. I wasn't lying about the date, so it is nice to know you believe that, but it wasn't exactly that type of date." Alec let out a small laugh, even though nothing he had said was particularly humorous. It was because of this laugh and the extent to which Jace knew his adoptive brother and long-term best friend that he knew something was wrong. Alec could tell as his expression turned from humor to a remarkably caring one for someone who usually seemed so uncaring. Alec recalled that these moments were once what made his own heart beat overtime and love Jace as more than a brother. Now, of course, he looked back upon himself as foolish, for his love for Jace had been only a crush, a mere obsession where he had nothing else to occupy himself.

"Well then what kind of date was it?" Jace asked, breaking Alec out of his thoughts. Alec shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know what it was supposed to be, and I don't really know what it turned out to be either. I just know that the intended end and actual end were nothing romantic." He sighed, but he felt a great gratitude toward Jace for simply being there. Alec realized how much he had missed Jace, not only in the past month through which he had shunned everyone but since he had moved in with Magnus, since he had gone on his trip with Magnus. He remembered how he felt the tenseness in the separation, the tug on what seemed an invisible rope between the two of them. "Um… Okay…" Jace mumbled. "I'm sorry," Alec mumbled back, which seemed to greatly surprise Jace. "For… what?" He asked, tawny eyes looking puzzled. "Not… being around… I guess." Alec paused.

…

Magnus turned away from the mirror, which he had tied to an enchantment that was also tied to Alec, to show his every move. Magnus knew that watching any longer was not a good thing to do, it was immoral and invading… He had only meant to make sure that Alec got the help he needed, or so he had told himself. The warlock sighed, and spoke aloud to his cat, "I've lost countless others… Why can I not let this one go?" The Chairman, usually a quite docile cat, hissed at Magnus. He had been hostile ever since Magnus had sent Alec away… "Why am I asking you?" said Magnus, beginning to pace. "You seem to miss him more than I."

At those words, Magnus recalled once telling Alec that he only dated people his cat liked. For a moment, Magnus remembered Jem, the only person he could ever recall the Institute's cat, Church, liking. At that, he wondered if Church liked Alec. _Probably not,_ he thought, but he really wasn't quite so sure. And the Chairman seemed to have grown highly attached to Alec, as well. He tried to shake the feelings off, but he couldn't. So he decided that the time was ripe for another note. Church still knew how to deliver notes, right?

…

As Alec seemed to splutter of words, trying to explain to Jace why he was sorry still, the blue Persian named Church stalked into the room, fur on end and a small scroll of paper attached to his collar. Alec abruptly stopped, spotting this scroll. He could feel Jace looking at him, so he quickly turned from Church and began to cough violently. He did not know what the note said but he had an inkling as to whom it was from, and he did not want Jace to see it. Jace stood, alarmed, and turned, muttering quickly the word "water". He walked out of the room briskly and Alec, still "coughing", motioned for Church to come closer. The cat obliged and Alec quickly twisted the note off of his collar.

Just then, Jace returned, and Alec quickly turned, continuing on with his "coughing" and hid the note beneath his sheets. After which, he turned back to Jace and took the glass of water from him, taking a long draught from it and setting it on the bedside table, clearing his throat as he did so. "Thank you," He said, blinking as if clearing his eyes of tears. Church jumped up onto the bed next to him, but Alec paid him no mind. In return for this, Church bit his hand.

…

"Ow, Jesus, Church!" Alec exclaimed, and Magnus felt his stomach jolt and drop at the same time. _See? _He told himself. _Church doesn't… _Just then, he stopped mid-thought as Alec drew the cat onto his chest and held his hand up, allowing Church to rub up against it before the boy scratched the cat behind his ears. Again, Magnus felt his stomach both jolt and drop. "I was wrong," He whispered and continued watching, vertical pupils dilating.

…

"You have got to be the fu-" The female voice that came from the doorway was cut off by Jace, a sudden smile adorning his face. "Ah, ah, ahp!" He chided. "Such language around a sickbed, you should be ashamed, young lady." The petite ginger glared at him. "Excuse me," She said coldly, but Alec could tell it was not a true coldness. "You must be the _freaking _cat whisperer, Church hates everyone but you." Alec smiled, something that he would not have done at a past point. "Hey, Clary," He said. "Alec," She regarded him, amusement sparkling in her eyes. "I've come to steal Jace, by the way." She said, and Alec replied, "Really? You haven't come to inquire of my welfare? I am offended!" With a genuine laugh, despite the fact that he really just wanted the both of them to leave so that he could look at the note.

"Too bad!" Clary said and grabbed Jace, now by her side, by the hand. "Get well soon, though," She said when the two reached the doorway again. "If you die, I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces!" And then they were gone. Thank God, he thought they'd never leave. He pulled the small scroll out from under the covers and read _"I only date people that my cats like. –M" _Alec frowned. Magnus only had one cat… He passed it, uneasily, as a mistake. A mistake that he knew Magnus would not have made, but what else could it be?

Alec turned over and slipped the note beneath his pillow, closing his eyes and trying to forget about the feeling of nausea that had nothing to do with the bug he'd caught.

…

Magnus was pacing again. He was so sure, so sure that Church would dislike Alec, like he disliked everyone. He had sent the note to ease his conscience, not to more heavily burden it. Was he the only one who thought that what Alec did was too unforgivable? Cats were excellent judges of character, and Magnus did still love his former partner. He'd considered giving everything up for the boy… But the boy in question had considered taking everything from him. How could he pass that off as just the spontaneousness and recklessness of a teenager?

He reached out to pet his cat, to seek some sort of company, to ease his mind, but Chairman Meow leapt away. The cat was obviously still angry with him. With a sigh, Magnus plopped down on his couch, trying not the think about the boy who'd lain there just the previous night. He held his face in his hands, elbows propped on his knees. What was he to do?


	5. Chapter 5

_Alec was standing in the underground railway tunnel, facing Magnus. Magnus' words were slurred, like bubbles underwater, Alec could not quite understand them, but he knew the feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach._

"No!" shouted Alec of both nightmare and reality. Fitfully, the fever clearly returned to his body, the nineteen year old tossed in the standard single bed.

_Suddenly, Magnus was shifting into the adolescent vampire who Simon had bit, and she giggled, breaking the barrier of sound between herself and Alec. "Yes, yes, yesssssss!" With that, she began to morph into Camille, who laughed and laughed at him. Alec sprung at her, a knife suddenly bared in his hand. He brought it down on her chest, striking just below the sternum, a sense of great satisfaction filling him… until she began to morph back into Magnus, his pupils shrinking and then dilating, dilating then shrinking. "Why…" He asked Alec breathlessly. "Why would you take my life…?" Alec's hands shook as he pulled out the knife and pressed the wound. "Take-take my strength, heal yourself, please, I didn't mean, I didn't want…" His words were panicky, and tears began to pour down his face. "Please, please, please! I can't-I can't-I-I…" Magnus' eyes lost their light and the hand he had been reaching out to Alec's fell limply beside Alec's on the warlock's chest. "No, no…" Alec sobbed._

"No, no, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Alec let out the howl of misery and jolted awake to find tears budding in his actual eyes. He practically fell out of bed and scrambled, on hands and knees, to the bathroom across from him. He used the doorway to pull himself up and stood by the sink, head down. He began to sob, tears falling down into the porcelain of the sink.

…

Magnus had fallen asleep on the couch, evidently, and woke to Alec's shout. Again, he awoke unsure of why he had done so, a feeling that was becoming much too familiar to him for his liking. He quickly wiped the sleep from his eyes and they quickly adjusted to the darkness. He saw his cat sitting, tail twitching and clearly agitated, beside the mirror where Alec was shown, tossing about his bed in an almost violent fashion in his sleep. His cheeks were again flushed pink with fever, and Magnus felt a pang of worry despite himself.

Alec's tossing became more and more violent and his breathing accelerated and became visibly less and less steady as Magnus watched in horror. He had never seen Alec toss like that, never, not while ill, not after his brother had died, not even when he and Jace were separated by countries. Alec had done his best to hide his unrest about it, but Magnus watched as his lover had murmured the name of the brother he had been bound by magic to through the night. None of that had been as bad as this. This was pure torture for Magnus, he could hardly imagine how bad it was for Alec nor could he begin to imagine what was causing him so much unrest.

And then the speaking began again, the "no's" beginning as small murmurs and rising in volume to shouts, the loudest and longest of which being an almost inhuman howl of pure pain, at which point Magnus leapt up from the couch where he sat, and Chairman Meow was yowling along with Alec. Magnus sank to the ground beside the mirror, fingers pressed against it as if they could comfort the boy beyond the glass.

Then, Alec awoke, clearly panicked, and Magnus was sure the boy was rushing to go vomit again, he knew that he himself felt nauseated. However, Alec pulled himself on the doorway and stumbled to sink, where he sobbed and Magnus could see tears fall rapidly from the boy's eyes. Suddenly, one hand's painfully tight and visible tendons loosened to move away from the counter's edge, grabbing at a stele sitting on the counter.

Magnus was sure his heart skipped a beat, despite the impossibility of the thing, for Alec's knees gave out and he brought his arms down to his lap, using the hand holding the stele to draw, not runes, but inky black letters to spell two alarming words. _I'm sorry_, the words read. Magnus' fingers drew slightly inward, fingernails scraping the glass with such force that tiny cracks spider webbed out from his fingertips.

And as if that were not enough, Alec began to whisper Magnus' name in between sobs, leaning against the counter as the black changed to red with the blood blooming from the letters, smearing as tears hit them. Though Magnus knew that the blood was only a reaction to the misdirected magic from the stele, the blood was his breaking point. His fingers drew even more forcefully inward, shattering a portion of the mirror. With the blood drawn from his own self by broken glass, the image in the mirror shattered, leaving it to reflect only his living room.

Magnus had pulled on a cloak and a pair of remarkably inconspicuous combat boots in a matter of seconds, and was out the door in just as much time. He snapped his fingers and climbed into the car that had appeared on his street, only to speed away.

…

Mayrse, asleep on one of the hard pews in the first-floor chapel, woke to violent knocking on the front door. She heard hoarse shouting, wordless from her distance. She felt an icy shard of fear pierce her heart, but she pushed the feeling away as she pushed herself up to go and answer the door. The shouting and knocking did not cease as her light footsteps resounded through the empty entryway. "Calm down," she chided, much to quiet to be heard. "I'm coming!" She shouted back. And the noise finally stopped. _Thank God,_ the Shadowhunter woman thought as she pulled open the door.

Had it not been for his eccentric eyes, Mayrse would not have recognized the man. Not only was he wearing a plain black cloak over what seemed to be plain jeans, his expression held a type of panic she had never seen on anyone, let alone the ages-old warlock. "Magnus…?" She asked, but he had already pushed past her and was making his way down the hallway.

Mayrse stood, too shocked to move, in the hallway. But then it occurred to her that there could be only one reason why Magnus had looked like that, why he had not bothered to say a word to her as he bustled into the Institute: Alec.

…

When Magnus had rushed past Mayrse Lightwood, he did not pause to feel guilty, he could think of nothing but Alec. He could feel his fingers bleeding once again from his knocking, feel blood dripping onto the floor but he did not even spare a thought to that.

The warlock bustled into the hospital, then into the bathroom where he could hear Alec's sobs and murmurs. The first thing he took in: the startling amount of blood that he saw. Though it was, in reality, not much blood, it seemed much more than it was. The only runes he'd seen bleed before were that of parabatai, when the partner died, the other would bleed. He felt a moment of panic as he imagined if he were wrong, if the words were not bleeding as those runes did. The second was how much pain Alec appeared to be in.

"Shhhhh, shush Alexander, my dearest Alexander." He softly said to the boy who looked even more remarkably like a child to Magnus than usual. Magnus crouched down beside him, and lightly brushed sweaty hair from Alec's face. His fingers left a bloody smudge on Alec's face, but it went unnoticed to him. Alec held up his arm, and while blood shone wet upon it, the words carved into the flesh were pink and inflamed, but no longer bleeding. Magnus let out a low exhalation of relief. "So… sorry," Alec turned and sobbed into Magnus' shoulder.

Magnus looked shocked, and his expression of surprise did not change when Mayrse Lightwood caught herself on the doorway, looking as if she'd run the whole way. He looked at her and extended his fingers slightly, as if saying "I don't know" without actually vocalizing, keeping in mind to not upset more the already broken-down child on his shoulder. Then he proceeded to tentatively pat Alec on the back, to which he sobbed harder.

"Shhh, it's okay, shhh…" Magnus cooed to his beloved. But Alec continued to sob, muttering "sorry" every so often. Finally, Magnus understood what it was Alec needed. Alec stumbled over the words, but he was becoming more coherent with each attempt, this one was noticeably more understandable. "Can't… express… so sorry, Magnus… so sorry… please…" And Magnus shushed him once more. "It's okay," He said. "I forgive you, Alec, my love, I forgive you, shh…"

Alec, however, sobbed more forcefully than ever, his hands tightly gripping the fabric of Magnus' clothing. Magnus looked up at Mayrse, as if for direction. She looked more shocked and lost than ever, so Magnus did what he could, took into account Alec's physical condition. He mouthed to Mayrse, _"dangerously feverish,"_ and the pale woman nodded. She turned, and with only a short glance over to her son that showed her reluctance to leave him, did exactly so and left the room.

As soon as she had gone, Magnus pulled Alec off his shoulder and drew him close, so that he was kneeling between Magnus' crossed legs. "Shh, shh..." He softly shushed the boy, and this time, as they looked each other in the face, it worked, and Alec's sobs subsided. Magnus leaned forward, slowly as to not alarm Alec, and kissed first one cheek and moved up to the eyelid, then the other. The taste of salty tears was on his tongue as he tenderly moved down to Alec's mouth. The kiss was slow, Alec was near unresponsive until Magnus gently parted Alec's lips with his own, when he let out a small moan and leaned further in, hooking one hand into Magnus' near-black hair but letting the other hang limply by his side. Magnus held up his hand, covered in both his own and Alec's blood, to cup Alec's face as their tongues touched. Only a fraction of a moment later, Alec pulled back, grabbing Magnus' hand from his face and gazing upon it with both wonder and horror in his eyes. Without any hesitation, he pulled Magnus' cloak aside and slid his hand up the plain tee-shirt underneath.

Magnus had absolutely no idea what Alec was doing as this occurred, but he did not show his confusion as the remarkably small figure beside him gently slid thin fingers up to lightly to touch the scar on the border of his chest and stomach, from a battle still fresh in mind. Then Magnus felt the fingers, now shaking, gently touch the small space beneath his sternum, feeling beneath smooth skin to a steady heartbeat underneath, and Alec relaxed, leaning in onto Magnus' chest, Magnus, despite his perplexed state, rubbed the boy's back comfortingly.

…

"Thank you for coming," said Mayrse as she sat across Magnus at the small table in the library, cradling her mug of tea in her hands, hoping its warmth would seep into her very pores and warm her from what seemed now an eternal cold. "I'll never understand how you did it," she continued, and Magnus' felt a twinge of discomfort. "What do you mean?" He asked, trying to sound sincere and not as cautious as he was being. "The way you handled Alec, of course… You got him to calm down… He's always been a bad patient, I could never handle him like you did, and I'm his mother…" She trailed off, as if wondering if she'd been a good parent. While Magnus sympathized for her, he was relieved. He had though… "But how on Earth did you know to come?" She asked, and there it was. Magnus' relief disappeared, and he felt rather uncomfortable… Not that he showed it. "Ah, that… Well, I… Magic makes these bonds sometimes…"

He was being a surprisingly bad liar at the moment. Not that magic didn't ever create bonds, of course it did… But where was he going with that? He shook his head slightly. "It's… hard to explain." He said, as if exasperated for the said 'difficulty', rather than with his own skill's faltering. However, he seemed to be a good actor, for Mayrse nodded. "I see," She said, kind-voiced. An odd quality for a Lightwood, Magnus felt. "Thank you, in any case, you needn't have come and I don't think I shall ever understand why you have." She continued, and Magnus shook his head. "You don't need to thank me, there have been others before who I've held as a responsibility, and Alec has become one of those responsibilities." He explained, but not well, he thought. "That's not the right way to have said that… Hopefully, you understand, though?" He said, somehow making the statement and question.

Mayrse opened her mouth, but just then the door banged open and a dark-haired man, the elder Mr. Lightwood, entered. Almost dramatically, he pointed his finger at Magnus, who raised an eyebrow. "You," The man's voice shook with rage. "Get out! You did this to my son! You!" Magnus didn't move, but instead sat in his spot with the same incredulous expression in place, one eyebrow still raised. Slowly, green cat's eyes blinked. "I did what exactly?" He said, quiet and falsely calm. His expression turned to a glare with his words. "Turned him… into… into some sort of… of monster!"

Abruptly, Magnus stood. He said nothing, but his cloak flowed slowly though there was no draft. A darkness seemed to gather about him, and his glare intensified. He turned, ignoring Mayrse Lightwood, whose hand now covered her mouth as she reacted to the shock of her husband's words. Magnus picked up his before untouched mug of tea and downed it. "Thank you, Mayrse, for the tea. I hope to see you around, and the best of luck with your further affairs." He said, much too formal but also much too personal. Then, with a bit too much force he set the mug back onto the table, turned, set his glare into the other man's eyes, and added a terse, "Mr. Lightwood," Before pushing past the man, with again too much force.


End file.
